Emotinal Breakdown

Motherhood can be so hard sometimes

 in between the gooey kisses, giggles & precious moments...are the hard ones. The overwhelming moments, the messy moments, the want to pull your hair out moments, the exhausting moments that make you want to crawl in your bed & hide under your covers.

lately I've had a few of the last ones...

yesterday... I had a breakdown
it wasn't pretty...luckily Danny saved the day - as he always does

here is what happened...

Before Sienna was even born, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make breast feeding work for us and I put this notion in my head that formula just wasn't an option  ( nothing against anyone who formula feeds) so no matter what it took, I had to make it work.

Breast feeding was never something that came easy for me, even though I always envisioned it would, it was never the "natural & beautiful" thing  like it is for a lot of moms who embrace and soak up every second of it, quite frankly its been the complete opposite for me

 but I was so desperate to do whats 'best' for her that I didn't care about the strain it put on me and the fact that it wasn't 'best' for me, but I always excused it with motherhood being about scarifies so I had to make one.

So I put this tremendous amount of pressure on myself

For the last 7.5 months I bared with the pumping but the older Sienna got the harder its gotten...and the other day I just crumbled...I felt so defeated and ready to quit I told Danny I was done, I told him not to renew the rent for the pump anymore and to get ready to start buying formula once our frozen stash runs out.

I cried and cried
 I felt guilty
I felt selfish
I felt like I failed

feeling like you've failed as a mother hit the hardest.

I'm still trying to figure out how its all going to go...Danny is very adamant about me continuing and sticking with it, though he's also trying to be supportive at the same time in this situation. I do feel much better today, he took Sienna out for a few hours to give me a break & time to relax....my goal of making it to one year is just looking so unattainable right now and its hard to stay positive.