cloud over my head

The last few days I've been in a funk...and usually I dont blog when I'm in these sorts of moods because I dont really want yucky negativity pouring out but this actually helps me sometimes...not sure if its the lack of sleep, the family drama going on lately or my inability to find time for things I enjoy, but I've been stressed and its affecting me in the worst way possible - increasing my milk supply


if you know me, you know how strongly I feel about providing the person who is my whole world the best thing for her..now what would I do if I can no longer give her that?


devastated.

 Yesterday evening I went to a La Leche meeting that was held at my local Whole Foods to hopefully find some answers and with everything discussed it occurred to me that its my own anxiety over breast feeding that is a part of the problem. Every time I pump slightly less that what I expect to I have a panic attack and I'm on edge the rest of the day...making the next pumping even less..its like a domino effect. I'm just so adamant about making sure I never ever have to feed her formula that I get so worked up over it and I shouldn't because I'm just making it worse. 

so from now on I need to take a step back, breathe and focus on all the good things instead of the bits of negativity.

 Sienna's naps during the day are short and I find myself scrambling to get things done in the short time I have...things like well um eating, getting myself ready for the day, pumping showering, cleaning up...all things I should be doing now actually. Sometimes a mama just needs a breather. There are loads of laundry to be done, house to be cleaned emails to be responded to, headbands to be made ( I really miss making them, its been a little while) 

I have much more respect for single moms now because I could never handle it on my own, As soon as Dan walks through the door from work hes ready to be a hands on Dad & husband..taking the baby right away giving me a break, taking the dog for a walk and getting started on dinner...he usually makes me a cocktail too :) if I had just pumped or fed that is. He came with me to the La Leche meeting & being the only Dad there the group leaders were very pleasantly surprised & impressed with his support and willingness to learn ways to help me out. This morning there was a pot of oatmeal waiting for me on the stove. So instead of stressing over little things like the house being a huge mess & not having time to clean...I really need to focus on my biggest blessings...Him & Sienna.

My little sunshine this morning