Saturday, October 27, 2012

Emotinal Breakdown

Motherhood can be so hard sometimes

 in between the gooey kisses, giggles & precious moments...are the hard ones. The overwhelming moments, the messy moments, the want to pull your hair out moments, the exhausting moments that make you want to crawl in your bed & hide under your covers.

lately I've had a few of the last ones...

yesterday... I had a breakdown
it wasn't pretty...luckily Danny saved the day - as he always does

here is what happened...

Before Sienna was even born, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make breast feeding work for us and I put this notion in my head that formula just wasn't an option  ( nothing against anyone who formula feeds) so no matter what it took, I had to make it work.

Breast feeding was never something that came easy for me, even though I always envisioned it would, it was never the "natural & beautiful" thing  like it is for a lot of moms who embrace and soak up every second of it, quite frankly its been the complete opposite for me

 but I was so desperate to do whats 'best' for her that I didn't care about the strain it put on me and the fact that it wasn't 'best' for me, but I always excused it with motherhood being about scarifies so I had to make one.

So I put this tremendous amount of pressure on myself

For the last 7.5 months I bared with the pumping but the older Sienna got the harder its gotten...and the other day I just crumbled...I felt so defeated and ready to quit I told Danny I was done, I told him not to renew the rent for the pump anymore and to get ready to start buying formula once our frozen stash runs out.

I cried and cried
 I felt guilty
I felt selfish
I felt like I failed

feeling like you've failed as a mother hit the hardest.

I'm still trying to figure out how its all going to go...Danny is very adamant about me continuing and sticking with it, though he's also trying to be supportive at the same time in this situation. I do feel much better today, he took Sienna out for a few hours to give me a break & time to goal of making it to one year is just looking so unattainable right now and its hard to stay positive.


  1. I know it has to be so hard but just think you got this far with it and there are some who after one or 2 times of it not working just give up.

    You definitely did not fail as a you trying is the best you can do! Keep your head up mama

  2. What a real and heart felt post, I don't have any kids yet and posts like this one remind me of the beautiful yet challenging life of moms. You seem to be a very strong mama :)
    I'm following your blog. Thanks for stopping by mine

    Abi K

  3. Your an amazing mom, just do whats best for both of you. I wanted to breast feed SO BAD! I bought a pump and was ready to after i gave birth she would latch but then scream like crazy. I pumped and pumped bc the nurses were saying her latch wasn't "good". So i pumped for a month after her birth tried every 3 hours... NOTHING! There was no milk what so ever. I felt like i failed her as a mom. Her body didn't do well with formula... She was on 6 different kinds before she was a month old. We finally had to put her on the most expensive kind bc she is missing a protein in her body that helps her digest milk. Her formula cost us 30$ every other day. It is so expensive i went back to work a day a week to pay for it. Stay with breast feeding if you can. Our experience with formula is awful. :( I hope this doesn't scare you. Also, sorry for the run on sentences.. (:

  4. nursing can be a struggle. i only made it to six months with my first and felt so defeated when i stopped. i had similar feelings of being a bad mother. even though i wanted to be a good one so badly. im so sorry your having a hard time. its not easy to say the least. whatever ends up happening you are a good mother. and it sounds like you have a great support person! keep trying though, it sounds like its what you really want. i would keep trying tell you know there is nothing left to do. that way you will know when you stop that you gave it your all and wont have lingering feelings of regret. but like i said no matter what happens you are already a great mama for wanting whats best for your baby!

  5. Thank you for being so honest! Breastfeeding is something that (I thought) was meant to be natural and instinctual; however, it's most definitely a learned skill and it doesn't always come easy! The fact that you care so much about this, and try so hard to keep going makes you an awesome mother. Don't beat yourself up if you make the switch, to be the best mum you can be to your daughter, you have to take care of yourself first and you've done a great job to go so far already. Whatever path you go down, make sure you sit back and give yourself a big pat on the back ok.

  6. Stay strong!!!!! :) Just remember to Drink lots of Water that may help.

  7. Jo Jo you are the best mom and you give me that extra shove to continue to breastfeed, and to try and not give formula. I mainly breastfeed and since I didn't want to spend 15 for formula breastfeeding is all I've been doin and it is a struggle it's much harder than the breastfeeding consultant led on. I can't even pump milk because Rei starts fussing as soon as I do so I've pretty much given up on it. Breastfeeding certainly consumes your life, but I am so proud of you. Sometimes it's ok to give formula, I sometimes want to buy it because my breast just need a break! But I'm too cheap because we(me and bf) are trying to get a place. Sometimes as mothers we just need a break because those moments where it's not smiles and rainbows and giggles can really break us, especially if we are constantly breastfeeding. I've had a few breakdown moments myself and sometimes it's just best to cry and let it all out and take a break from motherhood and breastfeeding to just ease your mind. Take care of yourself ok love bug? Your mental n physical health is just as important as siennas. Love you, I'm always here for you

  8. I'm so glad your being honest and telling it now it really is. I've been pumping for almost 5 months now and everyday I have to tell myself I can keep going. I dread when it's time to pump. I hate it. But I know it's not about me it's what's best for her. Also there is no well in hell I could afford formula. It's hard everyday to want to continue. It's a struggle to leave the house cause you have to worry about will I get the chance to pump again. Yesterday I barally got the time once we left home. My boobs got so full and uncomfortable. Then there's days when Olivia fights sleep so its takes longer for me to pump. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like giving up sometimes. I'm glad we both have awesome support people though that keep us going. You can do it. Just remind yourself you only have 4 and a half months left. You've came this far. You can keep going. I wish I was as close as you. Also I have no milk stash anymore, so I'm having to start over. Did you know people sell their milk for 3 dollars an ounce? That's a lot of money lol. Just thought I would add a fun fact in there.

  9. We might be the same age but I look to you as a role model. You have such a kind a thoughtful heart and soul, never ever feel youfailed because you're by far the strongest mother I've seen.
    Take each day as it comes, and if that means starting to include alternative types of feeding then trust yourself that its the last resort, and you persevered with BF until your body made the decision to stop. You're stronger than you think. Xx

  10. Hi! I like your blog!!
    I´m new follower :)
    You've a pretty girl :)
    I invite you to my blog. I hope you like it!

  11. Awww Lady you made me cry,,, don't say you failed as a mother ,, you are crazy for saying that ,,, don't feel bad, you doing the best you can ,,, but if it means you will be miserable and start being depressed it's not worth it,, you probably think what do I know I'm formula feeding but I tried my best too and didn't last as long as you,,, I BF Olivia for only little over 3 months and look at her (knock on wood ) she's a very healthy girl.. I know someone who BF for 8 months now ( she just switched to formula) and her baby has allergies just like her father.. My sister BF for 6 months and 8 months,, kids are in perfect probably have a year supply in your freezer lol..

  12. Hey Joanna! You poor thing! :( I had your same feelings about breast feeding before Brielle was born. I felt like giving her formula would be like giving her poison. It actually came really easy to me until she hit about 5 months. She started to be not interested, and it became extremely difficult. I then decided to give her a little bit of formula here and there, and she gobbled it down like it was golden milk. More than she did my milk. I took it personal at first and felt like a bad mom. It wasn't until I was talking to her peditrition at one of her appointments about what I was feeding her. She sensed my guilt of only breast feeding her for 5 months, and assured me that she was ok, and that it was great that I even breast fed for a month. Anyway, I hope this helps a bit. You are such a good mama, and I know you have Sienna's best interest at heart! It's a good thing you have an awesome hubs who knows when you need a break and supports you a 100%. I'm here for you too! You can call or text me anytime!

  13. I'm sorry you are going through this. Whether you continue or not, 7.5 months is definitely something to be proud of! I only made it 2 weeks with my daughter. We had so many problems, so I started pumping from then on, until she was 10 months. She got formula about 2/3 of the time because I didn't produce much. It's hard not to feel like a failure, but the bottom line is...loving your daughter is way more important than how she eats. Hang in there!

  14. Regardless of how much longer you BF, 7.5 months is something to be very proud of! My mother-in-law didn't produce breast milk so I was worried that my wife would have the same issue. We had to switch to formula at 3 months so I completely understand how upset you are. I found that making homemade organic baby food took some of that guilt away. :)

    There are some recipes on my blog if you want to give them a try. Hang in there.

  15. I think 7.5 months is great for breast feeding! I made the exact same promise to myself with breastfeeding and I had a break down when my daughter was about a week old and I felt like a complete failure. It just wasn't working with the two of us, then my grandmother passed away when she was 2 weeks old and the stress of having a newborn and losing a family member disabled me to produce enough milk and we slowly supplemented formula. I still felt like a failure, but I knew my baby would be fed and that's the more important thing. *Hugs* mama


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